Many of my friends tell me that I try too hard to find women. I have not been particularly successful with women in my life. That is part of the reason why I hated to see my relationship with Brica end. I had spent so much time building that relationship. It was a once-in-five-years event. Obviously one can live without an intimate friend, but I am always on the lookout.
So anyway, I meet this Miho girl. No, not the Miho that I met four years ago in Japan. The name does have a nice ring to it, and I guess this Miho bears some resemblance to the Miho of yore. However, it is basically just coincidence that I met another Miho at the Japanese conversation table one week.
I knew from the beginning that she had a boyfriend in Japan. However, I also remembered how well Brica and I managed to stay together while I was in Japan. People change when they are apart. Anyway, I thought maybe things could work out with this Miho.
We have spent a lot of time together the last few weeks. Studying together. Making dinner. Talking about careers and lives. Talking about US/Japan differences and problems. We even met up for breakfast in Boston because we were both out at the bilingual job fair. I thought things were going well, but I wasn't quite sure where we stood.
So I invited her over tonight. I was telling her how much I learned about Japan from watching Japanese tv. I was surprised that she had never even heard of Jerry Seinfeld or David Letterman. I thought it would be fun to watch some tv together and I would explain the jokes to her (it's not that she doesn't understand English, it is just a matter of a lot of background that goes into some of those jokes-it was harder to explain than I thought). We watched the show together and then talked about stuff for a while. Tried to do a little Spanish homework before I started showing her pictures from my travels. Soon it was midnight and I had to walk her home.
This was progress from the time when she wouldn't even let me walk her home. It was a nice cool night. We didn't need jackets or earmuffs to keep us warm. Just enjoyed the autumn night. I thought I would stop her by a fountain and talk to her. No, this bridge. No, in front of the union. Well, we made it all the way to the front of her dorm before I asked her.
"What about your boyfriend?" I asked in Japanese. Do you plan to keep going out with him (she had mentioned something about how he was TOO Japanese. She looked at me kinda confused and told me that they planned to stay together. They have been dating for over a year. I felt pretty dumb, but I tried to save the situation. "Well, that's okay, I guess. It's just that, I thought..." it is easy to be vague in Japanese. Anyway, she suggested that things were fine in our relationship as is...
I think that she is right. We have fun together regardless of the status of our relationship. For some reason, I just felt like I wanted more. Am I dumb? Was I out of line? What was I looking for? I have lots of great women friends. My best friends are women. However, some people I see as prospective girlfriends and other are just valued friends. What is the deal with that? Why does there have to be a difference?
I guess I just wanted to know where we stood. Either way is cool for me, however, not knowing... But by bringing it up, I almost ruined the relationship. Whether we can still go on as chummy friends remains to be seen. Anyway, this all brings me back to one of my common complaints about guys having to do everything in a relationship. Women can give off signals if they like, but the guys still have to make most of the moves. And for guys like me who are not good at interpreting signals (breakfast in Boston?), the whole courting process is really a pain.
Anyway, I have gone on too long about this. It is late. Things are looking up in my job search. I will be working in like six months or so. Why would I want to start some deep relationship that would have to end? I don't really have time between school and whatnot anyway (though, I do have time to post lengthy entries like this). Life goes on...