About six of my last seven meals have been pizza. The most recent one was a free deal at the Honors House. I was invited to talk on a panel with a couple other people graduating this semester. We were supposed to impart wisdom upon the underclassman who are just starting to think about the job search, applying to grad schools, or dropping out of life. My role was filling in the blanks about job hunting and study-abroad scholarships.
Before I go on, I would have to say that the Campus Honors Program (CHP) was one of the best parts of my undergraduate career. The program allowed me to meet a lot of really motivated students as I took random classes about the history of racism, self and society in modern Japan, student protests, et al. The program was also a great motivator.
The way they get you, is they send out this newsletter every month or so. The whole thing is dedicated to telling the accomplishments of fellow CHP students. In a way it is good. I have gotten a lot of ideas and a lot of inspiration from watching fellow students win Rhodes scholarships, go for environmental studies in Costa Rica, and volunteer in Washington. However, reading about these accomplishments makes one think about how little he has done. It is a funny feeling. Anyway, the newsletter fulfills its purposes, I think.
So here I am giving a speech to fellow CHPers, underclassman. I have given a few other talks there before. Every time, though, I get nervous. Despite all of my successes, I am still a poor public speaker. Especially when it comes to talking to people whom I perceive as superior (or at least impressive enough to intimidate me). Anyway, sitting there at the honors house, talking to those students about how I got a great Rotary Scholarship and a job at Arthur Andersen, I realized how pathetic I am. That is, I get along fine through email or one-on-one meetings and stuff with friends, but I am just not good with crowds.
I suppose there are lots of other people with a similar phobia, but it just seems ironic that it plagues ME. I imagine all of them sitting there wondering to themselves why they should take advice from someone as insecure as me.
I have learned a lot during my five years as an undergrad, but I haven't perfected everything. I have tried really hard to fix some things that I thought were broken. I tried-out for the graduation speech because I knew it would give me more practice on overcoming my fear. Now I am wondering if I will just freeze up when I get up there in front of everyone. Over four thousand people, expecting to hear an enlightening speech from a graduate of the prestigious UofIllinois. I hope I don't screw it up.